I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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