Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
