cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
