ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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