it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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