Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
