I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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