We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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