I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
