just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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