Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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