You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
