okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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