I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
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