can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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