i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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