you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
