so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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