Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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