literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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