in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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