then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
