Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
