made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
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