you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
