so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I AM VODKA MAN
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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