i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
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