you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
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She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
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Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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