we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
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