i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
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