evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
