Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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