I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
wanna go halves on a baby?
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
