I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
