This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
