So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
They took my balls.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
