My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
