I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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