one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Fuck appropriateness.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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