it's not cheating when I paid for it
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I think I sprained my soul last night
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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