His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
