Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
