I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
we're so committed to being not committed
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
