i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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