Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
