he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
