She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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