This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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