Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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