I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
