Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
