Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
