I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
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