i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
