a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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