I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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