My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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