You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
